The Assassin’s Way

A quick note before you start reading. If you’ve read my previous stories (“Divine Feasts” in particular), you’ll notice a similar style. Like many other writers, I have characters chattering away in my head, and I like to write the stories I imagine them telling me. That is why most of these stories are heavy on naration and light on dialogue. As I continue writing, I plan to incorporate more conversations, so my characters are forced to interact with each other. Enjoy the story!

The suburbs aren’t usually the first place associated with political assassinations, which is exactly why I prefer them. Police don’t know how to handle the exploded head of a victim who was brewing his morning coffee. By the time anyone considers a high-caliber round from a distant sniper rifle, I’ve already stored my equipment, cleaned the house, and put it on the market.

I know that a few federal investigators are chasing me, but they’re too stupid to pool their resources. Everyone thinks they figured me out, so they don’t pay attention to the cases that do not fit their portrait of me. At last count, the FBI has six open cases for me, each one believing it represents a unique individual. These idiot investigators are chasing six fictional assassins, all because they refuse to believe that I am creative enough to use multiple methods.

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Divine Feasts

Heaven ran out of money.

Naturally, no one on Earth was aware of this, besides a few late-night infomercial psychics. But, no one believed them anyway, and offering news about a spiritual plane didn’t help customers decide if they should keep dating this man or ask their bosses for a raise.

If Heaven’s financial troubles had been told to the world, most people would ask, “And what am I supposed to do about it?” After all, if Heaven has a currency, no one on Earth is using it to buy and sell goods and services. You can’t buy groceries with Angel Bucks. You can’t get your haircut using a bag of Quarter-Note Heavenly Coins. You can’t order thirty pounds of toilet paper online with your Paradise Express card. In their current condition, humans could not do anything to help Heaven.

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We Need a Better Breed of Gamer

I’m a gamer. While I enjoy TV shows, movies, music and books, I will spend my free time playing video games. Although I am a gamer, I do not want to count myself with the social group known as “gamers,” a group of bullying and spiteful people who hide behind a banner of anonymity in order to serve vitriol to anyone they disagree with.

Year after year, gamers place themselves in the spotlight as an enemy to all the good that the internet could do. Whether they are hacking individuals and groups they disagree with, leaving biting comments on a blog post or news article, or threatening to commit acts of violence because their favorite game didn’t meet their full standards, the word “gamer” has become a horribly negative one.

There’s no easy fix to this problem, but it is definitely a problem. And even when groups try to stand against the negative actions of gamers, nothing changes.

I’m not advocating for anti-harassment legislation aimed at gamers, and I’m not calling for an end to online anonymity (although I hate leading an anonymous life online). I’m simply stating that as someone who loves video games, I hate what gamers have become. It should also be noted that not all gamers are guilty of all of these problems all of the time. However, it’s easier to write “gamers” than “some gamers some of the time.”

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Male Weight Loss Techniques Reviewed

When I met my wife eight years ago, I weighed 180 pounds, the lightest I had ever been in my life. At that time, I was unemployed and attended college full-time. I relied on my parents to pay my rent, tuition and cost of living, and I only asked them for the bare minimum to get by. Whenever I got hungry, I would go for a hike, allowing the exercise to take my mind off of the fact that I was only eating two meals a day: scrambled eggs for breakfast and ramen for dinner.

After meeting my wife, I realized that I would need to start earning income if I would keep her. The extra money brought extra food, and I quickly fell in love with eating. More social time was spent with my wife, and less time was spent on the mountains.

In the eight years that we’ve known each other, I gained 90 pounds, periodically dieting and quitting throughout our relationship. Now, we have our first son, and I’ve decided to do something about it.

I will discuss the old diets I’ve attempted and failed and briefly touch on my current diet, which has seen some success. Hopefully, this honest approach to weight loss and dieting techniques will give you ideas on your journey to a healthy lifestyle.

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The First Time I Got High

http://brightestyoungthings.com/articles/8-of-our-favorite-unofficial-stoners-for-420.htm

 

Let’s start with a few announcements. First, I will finish the “How I Would Fix the Prequel Trilogy” soon, but it might take me the full weekend to fix Episode II. That movie was a mess, and all of it has to go. Rather than giving you some half-assed attempt at a synopsis, I want to put a little work into it. Look forward to the second part on Monday.

Now for some sad news.

I lost my stand-up notebook! I don’t know where I put it. The last place I remember seeing it was in my backpack before Salt Lake Comic Con, but I can’t remember where I took it out. Did I leave it at the townhouse and accidentally throw it away as we were moving out, or did I put it on my desk only to have my wife “clean up” and hide it somewhere I’d never think to look? Wifey and I searched the new house, and we can’t find it anywhere, so I’m starting to think that I threw it away.

The real tragedy is that now I’ve forever lost some of the most brilliant comedy you’ll never read: two original bits! As I mourned for your loss, dear reader, I decided I would have to start fresh.

The following is a true story. Any names or identifying elements have been altered, because I cannot remember all of the details. If I had the courage to perform comedy live, this would be something that I would tell the audience. But I’m a coward, so enjoy reading it, instead!

Continue reading The First Time I Got High

How I Would Remake the Prequel Trilogy – Part I

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Star_Wars_prequel_trilogy.png

Let’s face it, for the most part, the Prequel Trilogy is terrible. In Episode I: The Phantom Menace, we get some cool eye candy with the pod race and the final light saber battle, but Jar Jar Binks and baby Anakin were awful. And let’s be honest with ourselves: Qui Gon Jinn was a pretty lame character when compared to Old Ben. Next, Episode II: Attack of the Clones was a travesty. There’s half a good movie there, as we follow Obi Wan on his espionage mission, but every time things get great, we cut back to the awful “love story” between Anakin and Padme. I actually fell asleep in the theaters during that movie. Finally, we get Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, which is the best of all three. Finally, we see the fall of Anakin, and it is tragic.

Many Star Wars fans have given their own ideas for how they would improve the Prequel Trilogy, and Yoda willing, Disney will one day remake the Prequel Trilogy. However, none of those other remake explanations are mine, and that’s why you came here.

Before we begin, it should be noted that I’m a huge fan of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. In fact, because of that series, I’ve fallen in love with Revenge of the Sith. After watching the heroism of General Anakin Skywalker, I now cry whenever I watch Episode III. Also, some of my ideas are based on concepts laid forth in the now-defunct Expanded Universe. But I don’t care. I love the bit of the Expanded Universe I’ve experienced, and I’m not just going to forget it.

Here’s is the first part of Star Wars: Episodes I-III Redux!

Continue reading How I Would Remake the Prequel Trilogy – Part I

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Toys and Investment Advice

http://lazyreviewzzz.com/2011/10/05/lazyreviewzzz-goes-to-the-first-ever-star-trek-day-to/star-trek-day-to-view-from-the-stage-1280px-50p/

 

Once upon a time, I fancied myself as a funny person. At that time (and to this day), I would write stand-up routines that I would practice and perform live. Unfortunately, I never actually pursued the performance side, although I still write bits to this day.

This particular bit was written September 13th, 2012 (two days before my 28th birthday!) and explored a more nerdy style of humor. That said, this stand-up bit is dated. I mean, DATED! There’s stuff about MySpace and Facebook’s early stock prices.

I thought about re-working it to make it current and, well, funny. But then I decided to be lazy. So here it is! My first ever stand-up routine that was never performed live!

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A Galactic Republic Needs Midi-Chlorians

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/geekend/sci-fi-rant-when-did-star-wars-jump-the-shark/

 

When Star Wars: Episode One: The Phantom Menace premiered, many complained about the addition of midi-chlorians, a small sentient lifeform that dwells within the cells of all living beings. Like a bacteria, these creatures rely on quantity for their strength, and much like bacteria, they weren’t the most popular discovery in the universe.

But unlike bacteria, midi-chlorians are not real. They were invented by George Lucas solely for the purpose of his fiction. But why was this new definition of the Force so radically different from the original definitions, as discussed by both Old Ben Kenobi and Yoda?

I submit to you that the reason the Jedi measured midi-chlorians is because a Galactic Republic needs them to justify the continued services of the Jedi Order.

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Libertarians Want to Have Their White Privilege (and Enjoy It, Too)

http://www.lp.org/

My political beliefs tend to be liberal, although there are some conservative ideas that I agree with. While I tend to think all Americans deserve equal rights and opportunities, I don’t like the idea of spending more tax-payer money to get there. Whenever I tell this to people, they say, you sound like a Libertarian.

After a few years of hearing this, I decided to look into the Libertarian party, explore its platforms and see if it was something that I could be a part of. After studying the party and meeting several self-identified Libertarians, I decided that there is no single political party that I disagree with or dislike more than the Libertarians.

As a Utah resident, that puts me at odd with many of my friends and some of my family, but to me, Libertarians are attempting to undo 100 years of progress.

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We Need Open-Source Politicians

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4442560/Drawing/31

There are several ideas that can bring fundamental and sweeping changes to our current political system. Extra Credits suggests an interesting idea for linking congressional paychecks to the citizen’s average annual income. It’s an interesting idea that would help deal with lots of political corruption, although there are still huge problems with campaign funding and media favoritism of certain politicians.

But there’s one great idea that could completely change and fix all of our political problems. I previously spoke of using an economic version of city-based communist, but political communism is always doomed to fail. When people in power don’t have to worry about re-election, as has been the case with every major version of communism to date, corruption thrives. So, if we kept democracy but used communism to handle a bot-run economy, would that fix everything?

Sadly, no. Democracy is no stranger to corruption, and both parties are equally guilty of allowing power to rule their actions. For some reason, we’ve decided to allow a few wealthy individuals to go to Capitol Hill and lead for all of us, even though only half of us voted that person into office. Then, to make sure that one party triumphs over another, state politicians redraw voting districts to weaken competition. It’s a sad and woefully broken political system, but for some reason, we keep saying that everything is fine.

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